Thursday, May 3, 2012

Thoughtful Thursday: author's nightmare

You know, I once believed, in my days of first starting out as an author, that writer's block was my worse enemy. Granted, there have been times when I just couldn't get single sentence out onto paper and I wanted to cut my head off. Probably kick it across the street or something. But then, I realized it wasn't the blocks that got me, it was the reasons behind them.  Look below.....

Very true of how I often feel

I won't lie. I'm very anxious. All the time. It's just natural for me as I am a very Type A personality. You know, I must have everything done at the right time, the right way, or I turn into a puddle of angry confused mush! I'm always pushing myself to the limit and once I've reached that, I push harder beyond. Is that sane or healthy? Probably not, but what can I say? I feel more accomplished living as such, that I can't begin to change myself. My high stress level is both a blessing and a curse.

Maybe this is why I try to surround myself with zen folks. I go to them when I feel overwhelmed and cramped inside my head. A few hours of good conversation and I'm usually back on track. But lately, more than not, even my go to cure isn't helping. It's only soothing the symptoms, not attacking the disease. I am working on my second installment to my first novel and I'm having a problem getting there.

What's the issue, you're wondering? It's fear. And that fear is making me stressed out. Not normal, 'Yikes, I forgot to pick up milk' kind of stressed. More like, 'I seriously just left my wallet and all my identification on the public transportation' kind of freaked out. I'm worried that I can't make the sequel better than the first. Isn't that a thing? Yet, I won't quit. My personality won't let me. So, most nights I'm up at all odd hours, while my entire family sleeps just trying to perfect something that is probably already sounding pretty good.

It's getting a point that I'm experiencing headaches almost every night. Sleep deprivation isn't a joke (and that's not a good thing to have when you've got three kids and one is 16 months). Plus, I'm having trouble remembering basic things. I keep losing stuff, which is norm for me, but has gotten pretty bad. I lost my Kindle three times. And it was right under my thigh each freakin' time!!!

So, I've decided, though I was going to have Down the Yellow Brick Road: Mind Games done by the third week of this month, I refuse to push myself. I need a vacation. A break, even if it's just for a few hours. We all do you know? So my mother is coming next week. I'm going to drag my husband out for a few hours to eat and see The Avengers. She'll have the kids. I will relax...I have to. Because I know if I don't do something to decompress soon, I may go beyond the crazy that I already am. And trust one wants that. No one..


Tabatha Hansen said...

I can be the same way. There are several nights I will stay up writing because I'm worried that if I fall asleep all my story ideas and characters will crawl out of my head, down my pillow, and out of my life forever. I have learned to start outlining and taking notes but even then I feel my writing is the best when I write the scenes out as they start in my head. Damn characters always choose to come out at the worst times too, like when I'm at work or in line at the DMV and forgot my iPad.
From my experience and I have to keep telling myself this, my writing is better when I have a good night sleep and I am well feed. My focus is better as well and I don't forget where I left my keys as often.
Stress is an authors worst nightmare!
Tabatha Hansen

Louisa Bacio said...

So many hugs to you. I just turned in the third book in my series, and had so many of the same fears as you. For some reason, it just wasn't happening. Remember, though, it will get done!

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D. X. Luc
I'm a mother of four. I'm a writer, wife, and sexy to my core. Sinfully unrestrained.
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